Trauma

I have experienced something bad a lot before, it’s not new stuff to me. However, this kind of trauma has knocked me down. I might deny all the effects by saying “Nah bish, it’s just me being a sensitive cry baby”. The word trauma itself was a very sensitive topic for me. I didn’t think I have experienced something that bad to be called trauma. It turns out that trauma effects are very different from one person to another. The triggers are also very diverse, even the slightest change of voice or any kind of smell that came from nowhere could trigger your trauma. You’ll suddenly face something terrible that you may consider as a case-closed. Last year was one of the hardest times that ever happened to me. I cried out almost every day during lunchtime. In my room, whenever I remember those days, I’m trembling and feeling an unfamiliar sore in my chest yet I’m still thinking that was an exaggerated response. I used to hate myself for staying too long on victim mentality. I’m trying my best to exercise, read a book, and looking for anything good as my distraction. 

Finally, I acknowledged something after being denial and thinking that I'm okay, I'm doing great. The fact is NO, I'm not okay at all. I cried myself to sleep, I haven't told anyone. Indeed, I have not suffered any losses, my whole body functions normally, but I do lose my trust. Infidelity betrayed me so bad even though it didn't even threaten my safety at all.

Somebody might say it's just a matter of altered feelings and blurry closure. Somebody might tell me to keep calm and let the time heals everything. On the contrary, they keep bringing all my past stories as a joke, albeit I kneeled and asked them to stop. One thing they don’t even know is I’ve tried so hard to cope with this shit. I have had enough.

If you’re sane enough and ever heard about empathy, at least be mindful of every joke you picked out. Don’t you dare mocking anyone’s battlefield you know nothing about, especially the one they've told you not to. Be wise, you little prick! Hope you'll never walk the path as painful as mine.