The Captive of Love

It's exciting to hear love stories, high school sweethearts who end up being together even years after high school ends. Unfortunately, not everyone deserves beautiful love stories and fairy tales. It seems like the phrase "life's not always rainbows and butterflies" is real!

Yup, I must say that I'm one of those people who don't experience fairy tales all my life. (chill- it doesn't mean you'll never). Once I fell in love with someone I thought was made for my eternity, but surprise, nothing last forever in life, let alone something that you find randomly in your college life HAHA.

I refuse to believe that we're heading toward a big problem which of course not only we couldn't handle but also would be our total deadlock. I watch Disney princess a lot. I do believe in magic and all epilogue which said: "happily ever after". Until there come one rainy day (literally and figuratively) where I received a phone call, a final determination, the end page of those long stories. My love story ends in sorry.

I denied all the possibility to realize my new status, I rejected the fact that it was my last page, I couldn't write anything again after that day. I wasted my energy, our plan is pointless, my love frittered away.

I put my angst till it fully occupies my head. I act based on my head's direction, rage is in control of me. I regularly have my meltdown, before going to work, in the middle of lunch break, after hours, it doesn't matter whether it's weekday or weekend.

I cried till I have nothing to cry about, I look for a haven that will listen to my story without judging or telling me what I did wrong. All I have to do is look up to what I've forgotten in the meantime, I once have dreams that you shattered down, I once live through positive minds that you blew up.

A year after those thunderstorms, I nonchalantly decided to be alone forever (HA HA HA). I briefly made a breakdown about what it costs me to live a happy life alone. Turned out, it costs me my peace y'all hahaha why? because, no way Asian parents would let their kids (especially, the daughter) live alone forever. I freshly turned 24 the time I made that resolution, yet my mom told me to be okay and let it be like 1000 times per day :) She knew me very well, she knew I'll never be okay to stand betrayal and everything.

Despite all my preparation to live alone, I tried close friend bumble LOL. I asked my friends to be my matchmaker (by said my friends, it means every single one of them. I asked them directly. what a shame hahaha). OMG, the urge to left the loneliness sped up by the time.

But, do being treated poorly make me change my direction concerning love? No. I'm longing for a true significant other who shares the same direction and language toward love. I'm still against infidelity. Period. I think we can love wholeheartedly while fully realizing all the risks because everything comes with terms and conditions, right?. Once you agree to sign up yourself to those lists then voila! Be prepared for the worst. You know what? If you keep doing whatever floats your boat, although it seems like nonsense and quite impossible, nonetheless you'll get closer to your stopping place. Never let this port of call stop you from doing so. Just go for it!

It's all the price I have to pay after years of being the captive of something I thought was love. I shouldn't take it deeply, maybe just be another regular person with a common mindset. I shouldn't take it deeply before I checked all of my screening questions. I should have known better (at least after this post up in my blog)

But, yeah maybe I should stop correcting how I give love. That's okay to choose to be the right and decent person in a relationship. That's very good to always choose faithful over treachery. This line isn't my verdict of what is my exes look like, but I thank Taylor Swift for describing them very well!

Hehe fun fact of this messy piece: It is neatly arranged according to 5 stages of grief by Kubler-Ross :)

The Scars and Its Elixir

Life has been hard lately. I didn't think I would come this far only to find out that I need therapy. I know life has thrown its grande problem to me ever since. It will never be okay or enough, I'll never be able to walk my life as normal as somebody else. The fact slaps and reality bites. You're holding on towards something bigger which works merely like a domino effect. It means that when you're doing bad today, it will be more difficult for your tomorrow because you have to get all your shit together before starting over again. Careful, all fellas in line, shit it out beautifully!!!- hehe seems like now we're competing against each other, the fact that no, people, no. Chill out, we're competing against our past cliche.

Now, the fact that people my age starting a new family or posting their skyrocketing career doesn't annoy me that much again. Well, I mean it has somehow made me think that my self-worth is less than theirs. I think that my choice to resist the hype of love stories or fairy tales after being broken-hearted is a crooked choice. What annoys me so much now is the reality that put me in a deep dark hole called past decision. The present reality as a result of my impulsive, sloppy, and improper past decision.

I regularly question my decision, what I've said/tweeted/thought, because I know it will affect my future life. I tend to be so hotheaded when it comes to people commenting about something in myself which of course I didn't ask them to :) Back then, I backfired their comments with the same curse. now, I realize what I did was just as dark as my scars.

I'm more than concerned with all those people calling out myself as fat, unworthy of love, or too ambitious for a career. How dare you say such a thing knowing that you never really walk in my shoes? I'm so sorry if there were scars in you, something that you projecting by cursing someone else. I know what it feels like, but I seek for help, I cried my heart out, I eliminated all the expletives before they touch you directly. I've been a shitty person all my life, I thought this was karma, but I stand up and correct my behavior. Made up the new mold so that my future self will be happier cherish this day as a warm nostalgic past.

So, what is the elixir to my scars? it's the term of letting go. You have no control over what's gonna happen, but you can decide to what extent will you survive. Let it be. 

This is the last line, the rest is just me giving myself encouragement and affirmation :) Hope you feel good about yourself, being loved and in love with everything that you do, surrounded by kind people and spread kindness as well!

My wounded heart, my lovely mind, my disastrous triteness, all that bring me closer to the elixir. I thank myself for being so incredibly strong. You're worthy of a bright and better future. You're more than enough, be it with someone you love or not. You're the complete whole package of love. Please consider that you already did something good, albeit there's so much unchecked checklist in your pocket, that is okay. You can try again tomorrow.